Dreaming of War

Last night I dreamt that I was a soldier who was shipped off to war.  Our uniforms were blue and the other side was red.  We weren't on American soil, we were over seas.  It was probably the 1950's. Our troop was set up in a grassy open field in the middle of a town.  It was kind of like a park.  We were going to do a surprise attack, but before we could a civilian who we thought was a passerby, opened fire.  We then opened fire.  I had one job.  My one and only job was to pull this heavy rope which would launch a heavy metal object that was like an over sized washer.  It was round, had a hole in the middle, and writing around the outside.  I knew I was suppose to wait to the pull the rope, but felt like it needed to be pulled in that moment, so just did it. I remember the general looking at me, surprised I pulled the rope already.  He wasn't mad, just surprised.  After that brief interaction he went back to rallying the troops.  This is when I deserted.  I snuck out the back of the white tent we had set up.  From there I just kind of jogged down a block and tucked in to a museum. I waited there for a while, hiding behind a display curtain.  I think I even stayed there a couple days.  I wondered if they knew I deserted or if they thought I was missing in action.  I contemplated whether I'd ever be able to go back.  I wasn't ashamed, I knew it wasn't for me and that I had good intentions.
So, I've been thinking about this dream on and off throughout the day.  I didn't have much time to really think in depth until a few minutes ago.  I looked up in the dream dictionary about being a soldier, about being in war, etc. All I can figure out is that the battle has to do with my work-life balance.  I haven't really gotten in to any fights or disagreements with anyone lately.  In fact, I'm pretty at peace with every part of my life except my work-life balance.  I really believe your dreams can tell you something, but sometimes it is just isn't clear.  I wish my dream gave me a clue as to what was next! I suppose I can be patient though.

Fall. Beautiful Fall.

This afternoon we treated ourselves to afternoon at a local pumpkin patch. The colors were gorgeous, the air was comfortable, and the time with family was fantastic. Here are a few of the shots of fall in Colorado.

Blue Jean Bliss and Lutefisk

Today I went to lunch with my supervisor and another co-worker.  After lunch we ran an errand in preparation for the training we are planning next week for around 500 volunteers. We've been working very hard and keeping long hours.  I was delighted when we decided to randomly stop in a store that none of us had ever been in before.  We walked in to the store and discovered a cute boutique.  I was kind of doing a complimentary once over of all the cute clothes, assuming nothing would fit.  A moment later my supervisor picked up a pair of jeans.  She knows I can never find pants that fit.  They are either huge through the thigh or saggy in the butt, or both.  She told me I should try the jeans on.  The jeans were cute. I loved the color and they had some bling.  They were the classy kind of jeans that never come in my size, are super expensive, and even if they did have my "size" they probably wouldn't fit.  I decided to be a sport and try the jeans on anyway.  I slipped in to the dressing room.  As I began to slide my legs into the jeans and go for the zipper, something amazing happened.  The associate outside my dressing room and co-workers asked how it was going.  I paused, unsure of what to say.  It was actually going well.  The jeans fit.  They didn't just like fit around my waist, but they were not too big through the seat or the thigh.  I was in shock.  For the first time in my life, I walked in to a boutique and found an amazing pair of jeans. I quickly texted the husband and told him about this strange occurrence.  Everyone who knows me, knows I have a very difficult time finding pants.  I was down to one pair of jeans, one pair of khaki capris, a pair of grey slacks, and a pair of black slacks.  Those are all of the pants in my wardrobe.  I'm happy to share that I, for the first time in my life, have an amazing pair of jeans.  I also think they are almost slenderizing or something.  I swear they are magic jeans! I had to share because it was like a moment straight from the book about the traveling jeans. Incredible. I can't wait to wear them out in public!
In addition to my blue jean bliss, my dear sister-in-law texted to see if I wanted to go the lutefisk dinner this weekend! She hasn't tried lutefisk before, but she knows I've wanted to go to one for years.  They don't frequently have dinners here like they did in Montana.  I am so excited to go tomorrow!  I'm also looking forward to sharing this little piece of my life with my husband, niece, and of course sister-in-law! I am so blessed.  Blessed beyond words.

Waiting for a winning lotto ticket to fall from the sky...

I am not sure, but it's probably frivolous that I spend so much time thinking about what I would do if I won the lotto.  It might be less frivolous if I bought lotto tickets, but I only buy a few a year.  Probably like five a year.  That means my odds are really small for winning big.  I don't enter many contest either, so that's out of the question.  I used to enter a lot on the radio, in the newspaper, etc.  I won a few too and got some pretty cool tickets to various events.  Anymore though, I'm kind of an old lady.  I don't like being at loud concerts with screaming fans, unless I REALLY like the artist.  I don't attend a lot of fundraisers except the ones for work.  I also am a little skeptical of most events and their ploy to sell us items or services we don't really need.  Anyway, all this to say I haven't entered to win much lately, including the lotto. 

I don't think I need to answer the question why I want a lotto ticket to fall from the sky, because who wouldn't? Seriously, would you not want a winning lotto ticket to just gracefully fall into your hot little hands?  I think everyone I know has three million different things they could spend the money on.  In my day dreaming, I imagine how I would share the money with our family to keep it fair for all.  I think about how we would live out our lives.  (In case you are curious, it depends on the amount a person wins...if you just win a million dollars, you probably only get half of that and 500,000 isn't enough for two people to retire on at our age. Although, that would allow us to pay off all of our debt and just have some nice paychecks every month to enjoy!) Lately, I find myself thinking of this more and more. 

I am thankful for my education, but it sure has come at a cost. Enough of a cost that I really need to figure out something soon.  I either need to take on another job, help my husband take on another job, start a side business together, or one or both of us needs to find new jobs with larger paychecks.  Naturally, you can see why I am day dreaming about the winning lotto tickets.  On top of needing to secure some additional funds, I would like to find a job that didn't require me to lift 50 pounds.  Back on Labor Day I hurt my back.  I didn't injure my back that day, that was just the day I set the injury off again into pain by sliding into a booth.  Anyway, since then I have woken up to daily pain.  It is getting better with physical therapy, but is a constant reminder that everything is not quite okay with my body.  Finally, I need a new job for better hours.  This had been the reason at the top of my list, but as I consider taking on another job, hours don't seem like they are as important as being able to provide food and shelter.  I suppose it is all relative.

For now I will just pray.  I decided that was how I would spend my ten minutes using the hand bike in physical therapy.  I prayed.  I have so many blessings like an amazing husband, supportive family, a roof over our heads, food on the table, paychecks coming in consistently, incredible friends, reliable transportation, etc. I know I will be provided for, I always have been.  Some how, some way, I just have to believe it will all be okay.

P.S. Speaking of the amazing blessing my husband is...he knew I was stressed tonight, so surprised me with a date! We got coffee to go and went to watch a local house that has choreographed their lights to Halloween music.  It was so much fun and so sweet.  He sure is a keeper.

Book review of How to Eat Like A Hot Chick and my meandering thoughts on beauty

I had a fabulous birthday and wonderful anniversary with my dear husband.  One of my birthday gifts was a gift card to purchase some new books for my Kindle.  One of the books I purchased was How to Eat Like a Hot Chick by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent.  I originally heard about the book on Facebook.  One of my friends was a fan of their How to Live Like a Hot Chick page.  The page offers useful advice for women everywhere.  The advice is often the kind of advice that epitomizes who I want to be, who I think I am, etc.  After reading their posts I started looking in to their books.  I decided to give the How to Eat Like a Hot Chick book a chance.  What I liked about the book is that it is not a diet.  It's just lifestyle changes, maybe not even changes, more like tips.  They also take a perspective that I love...the concept is we are all beautiful.  It's sort of a book on how to live a confident life as the beautiful woman you are.  It's a quick read and I suggest you pick it up or check it out from the library.  Of course like any book there are things to take with a grain of salt.  Most of it though is just straight forward...like how to approach the salad bar, how to splurge, daily habits that make sense, and why eating spinach is great for your body.  I also appreciated that they suggest physical activity, about an hour a day. It's a simple approach and one that really doesn't deprive a person of anything, which I love!
Really, my favorite part of this book is that they don't put words like fat, skinny, and beautiful on the same level.  Words relating to size never relate to beauty! Beauty is something that comes from within, it's your confidence, your personality, who you are.  Even when I am frustrated with losing weight, I still know I am beautiful. I don't think I have a big head or an ego the size of Texas, I'm just confident.  Obviously, I want to lose weight for health reasons and know my quality of life would be improved.  Not because beauty has to do with the size of my pants, but everything to do with what really matters in life! So, I hope all of you know this too.  You are beautiful.

(Psst...this is where I would cue a great song like Mika...Big Girls You Are Beautiful or My Wish by Rascal Flatts)

Summer, summer, summer

I can't believe summer is almost over!  I look back at the season and realize we have done a lot.  I staffed lots of events, took a trip to Montana, attended a couple weddings, I finished my Master's, saw Alan Jackson in concert, landscaped more of our backyard, hosted family from out of town, went fishing, ate smores at the annual Independence day potluck, did a 5k, took walks, and just enjoyed one another's company.  Still, I find myself wanting more summer! Time to go swimming, camping, a few more vacations, Rockie's games, etc.

What's your favorite thing to do in summer?  Like if you were going to recommend one "summer" thing to do, what would it be?

The drama of morbid obesity

Unless you have or are morbidly obese, I’m not sure you will understand the desparity of my situation. I started reading a book today, on the recommendation of my dietician, called Full: A Life without Dieting. My dietician had shared with me that the author of the book is a gentleman who specializes in performing gastric bypass and lap band. She also assured me his book actually suggested other resolves to obesity than bariatric surgery. Thanks to my Kindle, I know I am approximately 14% of the way through the book. I have cried through the first 10% of the book. Not even just slow tears falling down my face, but more like an inconsolable sobbing. It’s the kind of grief I have experienced only a couple of times in my life. The kind that literally causes my heart to feel pain, my body to feel ill, and my eyes to burn with dryness. Naturally, I don’t expect that any other person would have this gut reaction to reading a non-fiction book on dieting.


One of the points in the book is a question that this doctor asks his bariatric surgery patients. He asks them when they first realized they had a weight issue. I thought about this question. I realized that I nearly hate the once-upon-a-time friend’s mother who asked me, “Nacole, you look like you have lost weight, what have you been doing?” Did I mention I was six years old? I can even tell you where I was standing. It was a house near our high school in my home town, the house sat just kitty corner from the school and was always covered in ivy. We were standing in the kitchen, near the window that faced the street. At six years old, I even had a response! I remember telling her I cut back on snacks. I wish I were making this story up, oh how I ache to wish that were all a made up story.

Instead, here I sit. Nearly 20 years later. Morbidly obese. Why? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. The first quip that pops into my head is that I have failed at dieting for, ahh, 20 years. Of course I understand that weight loss is calories in and calories out, how many calories are in a pound, the benefits of physical activity, the importance of portion control, a diet that is balanced with proteins, carbohydrates, fat, etc. I know the book and science answer to some extent. What I don’t know is why I’m not strong enough to make it work. Why I can’t continue to make the choices and decisions I know I desperately need to make. I have said for quite some time that it doesn’t really matter what diet plan you follow, as long as you follow it. Yet, here I sit. Here I sit after bawling my eyes out because I can’t follow a diet plan. I can’t follow a plan that could potentially save my life, reduce my risk of cancer, reduce my risk for heart disease, and keep me to the best of my ability out of an early grave. I’m sad, I’m burdened, I’m exhausted. This book pointed out a statistic that I have read numerous times before. The book states, “You see, if you are morbidly obese – on average, about 100 pounds or more over-weight – you are at a distinct disadvantage. There is less than a 5 percent chance that you can lose weight and keep it off. This has been proven by no less than the National Institutes of Health. So that is why my bariatric surgery practice exists. I want to give my patients a fighting chance.”

I’ll be very honest, I’ve been very critical of bariatric surgery. Very critical. I’ve seen more people go through it and come out with minimal success than I’d care to share. I have a co-worker who has lost over 100 lbs on it. I have two family members who have lost some amount of weight, although certainly not enough in my mind to justify the over $20,000 it costs. I also don’t think it’s flattering the way the weight comes off. People seem to lose it in odd places. See, told you I was critical. So, here I sit. Frustrated with my efforts, not sure where to dig down deep and find strength. I know my body is a temple. I know I deserve the best. I know this. What I don’t know is why these things don’t all connect and stop me from taking another bite of my delicious dinner, even after I’m full. Why it doesn’t stop me from eating out of boredom. Why I’m seemingly unable to pick a plan and just stick to it. Why, why, why? For tonight, I’m out of answers. I’m stuck and I don’t know where to go from here. In case you are vaguely curious, bariatric surgery is not covered by my insurance and if I had $20,000 I have other places I would spend it. I’m not really considering this option, just happened to be a focal point of the book I am reading, a suggestion a doctor gave me, and this lingering concept in the back of my head that I have long dismissed. The real point is the stupid stat on 5% of the morbidly obese population being unable to lose weight and keep it off. Sure, I’d like to think I fall into that driven 5% of people, but don’t we all think that on some level? Couldn’t I just be another one of the more likely 95% of people who can’t, don’t, won’t, etc.? Obviously, I don’t have answers to these questions. I just needed to vent, put everything down into words, so I could try and get some sleep. I’m desperate for a healthier life and somehow in my world, the dots are not connecting…