Buffalo Chicken Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

As mentioned previously, I have a strange addiction to Pinterest. I am always pinning recipes to try.  I have tried a number, but occasionally, I will pin one, then go to look at the ingredients and think they are insane.  Such was the case with this sandwich recipe I pinned.  I got to thinking about it and decided I could easily make my very own recipe.  So this was inspired by Pinterest, but really has very few of the ingredients, if any, that were in the recipe I saw. Here is my very own recipe for 2 servings of Buffalo Chicken Grilled Cheese Sandwiches:

1-5oz. Can of Chicken
1 Tbsp. Light Mayonnaise
1 Tbsp. Vinegar
2 Tbsp. Frank's Red Hot Sauce
5 Sprays of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
2 Deli Thin Slices of Cheddar Cheese
2 Tbsp. Reduced Fat Blue Cheese Dressing, I used Wish Bone.
4 Slices Sara Lee Delightful Bread

Preheat George Foreman grill or a lightly greased pan or a griddle. Toast bread on medium setting in toaster.  In small bowl mix canned chicken, mayonnaise, vinegar, hot sauce, butter spray until well mixed.  Spread mixture on toasted bread.  Spread 1 Tbsp. of blue cheese dressing on top of each partially made sandwich. Top with a slice of cheddar cheese. Top each sandwich with remaining piece of bread.  Place sandwich in grill or onto pan or griddle.  Cook for just a minute or so and flip to continue cooking until cheese is starting to melt. Slice each sandwich in half and enjoy!

We served ours with no sugar added applesauce, which was delicious!  The sweet apple sauce made up for the kind of spicy sandwich.  If you keep track of your Weight Watchers Points, this sandwich is 6 points.  You could even get creative and add some chopped up celery, which would be delicious! Also, the hubby doesn't love blue cheese, so we left that out on his sandwich. He just had some ranch on the side. We both enjoyed the sandwich so much, hope you do too!

The Confessional

A couple random thoughts of the season...
1.) I think I'm addicted to Pinterest. Why would I think that? Well, I was in church on Sunday. We were sharing the peace and one of my Pinterest friends said she was having a hard time keeping up with me, I giggled and said we'd have to catch up after the service. I turned to shake hands with another church go-er and instead of saying, "Peace be with you..." I said, "pinterest..." I'm sure I turned like 6 shades of red. Perhaps I should pin more about God? Or...I could just focus on being at church! Sheesh, lol.

2.) I drive by this one house on my way to and from work.  I've been worried because I can't see baby Jesus in their nativity. I have been worried that maybe someone stole baby Jesus. Seriously...where could be baby Jesus be?  It occurred to me tonight that maybe everyone, Mary, the wisemen, etc. are WAITING for Jesus to come...as in Advent. Duh...I bet they put Jesus out on Christmas eve or Christmas day. It was like a riddle in their front yard. I get it now.

3.) I was listening to that song, "A Baby Changes Everything"...I was thinking, how did Mary know when she was pregnant? Sure, she'd have the normal symptoms, but how would she know how far along she was in her pregnancy? Like was the moment she saw the angel the start of 9 months?  What was her pregnancy like? Low and behold the gospel in church on Sunday said something to the effect to when Mary would be pregnant.  Hmm...all very thought provoking.  Also, I wonder if she wanted to have more babies or if she was content knowing she carried the Lord, Our Savior, to term?

Okay, those are my meandering thoughts of the day.  Some comical, but the Mary thing is perplexing to me.  I like to wonder what it'd be like to interview Mary. Anyway, hope you are enjoying the holidays!

*image from: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/deaconsbench/2011/12/marys-pregnancy-test/

Tupperware Bonanza

I had a Tupperware party before we went to Hawaii.  It was by far the easiest party I have ever toasted, I only provided a few ingredients, and the rewards were amazing!  If you want Tupperware, you should really consider hosting a party to get it.  Products with a lifetime guarantee aren't always inexpensive, but my party made everything super affordable.  I was able to get lots of credit, half off items, free items, etc.  I paid very little and now my pantry is ready to go. It was just like Christmas morning opening up my giant box of hostess items.  Here is what I got...which doesn't include the gift I got for booking a party or the hostess rewards I didn't take like another half price item or another item that was offered...still this is so much fabulous Tupperware:

A couple of these items have some really cool features...

This is the spaghetti keeper.  I am terrible, really, at measuring out spaghetti.  So, I was so happy with the little measuring feature. Woohoo!

This is the microwaveable lunch dish I bought.  It has a special lid that you can vent when you microwave.  What I also loved was the cold cup! It slips inside the left divided area and can come out before you microwave, how cool is that? I got one as a thank you gift with my party and ordered a second one, because I loved it!

This little container actually holds 2 oz.  I'm so excited to use it for taking dressing, mayo, cream cheese, etc. to work.  Also a perfect size for a small serving of peanuts. 

This is a 4 oz. container which came with the freezer set I bought (see the cute snowflake?), but I got some extras for snacks...like making my own lunchables! I'm happy I can save money on using plastic baggies and stop losing money buying cheap stuff at the store that doesn't last.

This is the lid to one of my microwave n serve containers.  I like the instructions on the back...and the valve.  You don't do anything, other than put the container in the microwave and it does all the venting!

So, with my new kitchen additions, I had to use them.  I decided to make a recipe.  I vaguely recalled that you could take a cake mix and mix it with a can of pumpkin.  I was guessing I could bake the cake in the microwave just the same.  At my party, we made a chocolate cake in the microwave, so I had a general idea of how long to bake it.  I mixed one yellow cake mix with one 15 oz. can of pumpkin.  Then I added 1/4 cup of mini chocolate morsels.  I sprayed the inside of my 6 1/2 cup microwave n serve with cooking spray. Then spooned in my batter.  I microwaved for 9 minutes (in our ancient microwave) and voila...cake!

I had some caramel topping in the fridge, so I decided to pour 3 tsps on top, kind of like a glaze.

I sliced our cake into 14 pieces and served up a piece with a little dollop of whipped cream.  Delicious!!

An update on the interview process

While I was in Hawaii I got a phone call about the job.  They decided to open it up to external candidates, but didn't have any who met the qualifications.  He asked me a couple of follow up questions...like where I want to be in five years and if I could do the customer service piece day in and day out.  Then let me know I was still a top candidate and that I'd hear about a second interview the end of this week or beginning of next.
Yesterday, my supervisor called to let me know she had received a reference check from the person doing the second round of interviews.  She said she gave me a good a recommendation.  I believe it's between two of us to get the job.  Thanks for your continued prayers, I will keep you updated.  It'd be so nice to know before Thanksgiving, but that seems like wishful thinking. 

All that's going on

Do you ever have days where you are so anxious that you feel shaky from your toes to your fingers?  Today was one of those days.  I'm not even sure with where to start about why I am so anxious.  I have been praying for a change.  Praying for God to continue to take care of us financially and to take care of a situation with my back.  I am still waking up every morning and going to bed every evening in pain.  I am so thankful that my back pain is not as intense as it was, nor is it to a point that I need pain killers.  It's intense at times, but I can tolerate it.  When I visit with my doctor, he wants to put me on a permanent lifting restriction.  I'm not suppose to lift more than 20 pounds.  To do my job, I am suppose to be able to lift 50 pounds.  What might be shocking to some is that I actually was lifting that amount on a frequent basis until my last back episode.  My doctor doesn't want me to lose my job, so has been writing me temporary restriction notes.  I know that this can't go on.  I need to find a job that I can thrive in and give my back a chance to get stronger, etc.  I have been praying and praying and praying.  I prayed that God would somehow take care of my career, take care of my back.  Within a couple days an opportunity came up.  I was asked to apply for this position.  The more I heard, the more excited I was.  It's like I have fallen head over heels for this opportunity.  I feel like it's more than coincidental. 
Today I had my first interview.  I think it went well.  I'm just nervous from my head to my toes.  I feel so vulnerable.  Like I have bared it all and I've put it all out there.  I know that if this doesn't work out I'm going to be crushed.  I feel like there is more at stake than ever before.  I also am worried that I've counted my chickens before they hatched.  What if I read too much in to what they said when they asked me to apply?  I was incredibly flattered, I just hope they still think that I'm a great candidate.  A second interview will probably happen while I am in Hawaii.  Which means I could also get an offer or be told I wasn't selected while I was on vacation.  The opportunity is amazing and I'm excited to do whatever it takes to move my career forward, but I'm so nervous about what will happen if it doesn't work out. 
I need to let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God.  Trust that it's all in his hands.  Breathe in and breathe out.  All will be the way it is suppose to be.  For now, I'm just a ball of stress. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight and hopefully I can relax, breathe, etc.

Twenty Six.

When my dear husband started working on publishing a game, I started thinking about what kind of game I would create.  I have one idea that has been lingering in the back of my head, I'm not sure how to execute it, so I sat on it.  Recently, a new game struck me.  It's a combination of poker and a word game.  Immediately, I knew what I wanted the cards to look like. I wanted brown cards with distressing, lots of words, a typewriter font, and swirls.  Almost like magic before my eyes, J had designed the cards I was describing.  We were able to play test rounds of the game, which went pretty well.  I chose to call the game Twenty Six, because that's how many letters are in the alphabet.  I also wanted that to be the part of the game that was kind of risky.  Score as many points as possible, but go over 26 in your round and you get a zero! We have changed the letter counts, changed points values, and added in some fun bonus point opportunities.  When all was said and done, the game came together beautifully! I am hoping that it's been published in time for holiday gift giving and more importantly for families to spend quality time playing games together over the holidays!

So, without further introduction...you can check it out and purchase it here! 

Fallinter

While we have been enjoying the colors of fall, we were graced with over 10" of snow in the last twenty four hours.  We ended up being without power or heat for 16 hours.  Despite the cool weather, I loved seeing fall colors poke out behind tufts of white snow.

Our source of light and heat!

Halloween Costume & Potluck

1.) Should I be a leperchaun or should I be a flapper (with tights and a long sleeve shirt under the dress)? Believe it or not I have everything in my closet to pull off both of these costumes. I could also go as Barbara Bush with a mask I have and suit.
2.) I am bringing a main dish to the potluck. One of the 8 attendees cannot eat bread or pasta. So I was thinking of taking an enchilada casserole or meatballs or funeral potatoes, what do you think?

Wintersong

There is a beautiful noise that accompanies snow.  Tonight we sit in peace and listen to the silence.  I have such a deep appreciation for quiet.  I havent always felt like it was the most amazing sound, but in the past few years I have found myself just wanting to drive with the radio off, to sit and read without the noise from a television, or work without the constant blaring of a fan.  The irony of all this is that as I was thinking of wanting to be enrobed in silence and it made me think of soft music. Sure, I am happy to see a new season approaching, but I think I am most content with the white noise it brings to my evening.

Dreaming of War

Last night I dreamt that I was a soldier who was shipped off to war.  Our uniforms were blue and the other side was red.  We weren't on American soil, we were over seas.  It was probably the 1950's. Our troop was set up in a grassy open field in the middle of a town.  It was kind of like a park.  We were going to do a surprise attack, but before we could a civilian who we thought was a passerby, opened fire.  We then opened fire.  I had one job.  My one and only job was to pull this heavy rope which would launch a heavy metal object that was like an over sized washer.  It was round, had a hole in the middle, and writing around the outside.  I knew I was suppose to wait to the pull the rope, but felt like it needed to be pulled in that moment, so just did it. I remember the general looking at me, surprised I pulled the rope already.  He wasn't mad, just surprised.  After that brief interaction he went back to rallying the troops.  This is when I deserted.  I snuck out the back of the white tent we had set up.  From there I just kind of jogged down a block and tucked in to a museum. I waited there for a while, hiding behind a display curtain.  I think I even stayed there a couple days.  I wondered if they knew I deserted or if they thought I was missing in action.  I contemplated whether I'd ever be able to go back.  I wasn't ashamed, I knew it wasn't for me and that I had good intentions.
So, I've been thinking about this dream on and off throughout the day.  I didn't have much time to really think in depth until a few minutes ago.  I looked up in the dream dictionary about being a soldier, about being in war, etc. All I can figure out is that the battle has to do with my work-life balance.  I haven't really gotten in to any fights or disagreements with anyone lately.  In fact, I'm pretty at peace with every part of my life except my work-life balance.  I really believe your dreams can tell you something, but sometimes it is just isn't clear.  I wish my dream gave me a clue as to what was next! I suppose I can be patient though.

Fall. Beautiful Fall.

This afternoon we treated ourselves to afternoon at a local pumpkin patch. The colors were gorgeous, the air was comfortable, and the time with family was fantastic. Here are a few of the shots of fall in Colorado.

Blue Jean Bliss and Lutefisk

Today I went to lunch with my supervisor and another co-worker.  After lunch we ran an errand in preparation for the training we are planning next week for around 500 volunteers. We've been working very hard and keeping long hours.  I was delighted when we decided to randomly stop in a store that none of us had ever been in before.  We walked in to the store and discovered a cute boutique.  I was kind of doing a complimentary once over of all the cute clothes, assuming nothing would fit.  A moment later my supervisor picked up a pair of jeans.  She knows I can never find pants that fit.  They are either huge through the thigh or saggy in the butt, or both.  She told me I should try the jeans on.  The jeans were cute. I loved the color and they had some bling.  They were the classy kind of jeans that never come in my size, are super expensive, and even if they did have my "size" they probably wouldn't fit.  I decided to be a sport and try the jeans on anyway.  I slipped in to the dressing room.  As I began to slide my legs into the jeans and go for the zipper, something amazing happened.  The associate outside my dressing room and co-workers asked how it was going.  I paused, unsure of what to say.  It was actually going well.  The jeans fit.  They didn't just like fit around my waist, but they were not too big through the seat or the thigh.  I was in shock.  For the first time in my life, I walked in to a boutique and found an amazing pair of jeans. I quickly texted the husband and told him about this strange occurrence.  Everyone who knows me, knows I have a very difficult time finding pants.  I was down to one pair of jeans, one pair of khaki capris, a pair of grey slacks, and a pair of black slacks.  Those are all of the pants in my wardrobe.  I'm happy to share that I, for the first time in my life, have an amazing pair of jeans.  I also think they are almost slenderizing or something.  I swear they are magic jeans! I had to share because it was like a moment straight from the book about the traveling jeans. Incredible. I can't wait to wear them out in public!
In addition to my blue jean bliss, my dear sister-in-law texted to see if I wanted to go the lutefisk dinner this weekend! She hasn't tried lutefisk before, but she knows I've wanted to go to one for years.  They don't frequently have dinners here like they did in Montana.  I am so excited to go tomorrow!  I'm also looking forward to sharing this little piece of my life with my husband, niece, and of course sister-in-law! I am so blessed.  Blessed beyond words.

Waiting for a winning lotto ticket to fall from the sky...

I am not sure, but it's probably frivolous that I spend so much time thinking about what I would do if I won the lotto.  It might be less frivolous if I bought lotto tickets, but I only buy a few a year.  Probably like five a year.  That means my odds are really small for winning big.  I don't enter many contest either, so that's out of the question.  I used to enter a lot on the radio, in the newspaper, etc.  I won a few too and got some pretty cool tickets to various events.  Anymore though, I'm kind of an old lady.  I don't like being at loud concerts with screaming fans, unless I REALLY like the artist.  I don't attend a lot of fundraisers except the ones for work.  I also am a little skeptical of most events and their ploy to sell us items or services we don't really need.  Anyway, all this to say I haven't entered to win much lately, including the lotto. 

I don't think I need to answer the question why I want a lotto ticket to fall from the sky, because who wouldn't? Seriously, would you not want a winning lotto ticket to just gracefully fall into your hot little hands?  I think everyone I know has three million different things they could spend the money on.  In my day dreaming, I imagine how I would share the money with our family to keep it fair for all.  I think about how we would live out our lives.  (In case you are curious, it depends on the amount a person wins...if you just win a million dollars, you probably only get half of that and 500,000 isn't enough for two people to retire on at our age. Although, that would allow us to pay off all of our debt and just have some nice paychecks every month to enjoy!) Lately, I find myself thinking of this more and more. 

I am thankful for my education, but it sure has come at a cost. Enough of a cost that I really need to figure out something soon.  I either need to take on another job, help my husband take on another job, start a side business together, or one or both of us needs to find new jobs with larger paychecks.  Naturally, you can see why I am day dreaming about the winning lotto tickets.  On top of needing to secure some additional funds, I would like to find a job that didn't require me to lift 50 pounds.  Back on Labor Day I hurt my back.  I didn't injure my back that day, that was just the day I set the injury off again into pain by sliding into a booth.  Anyway, since then I have woken up to daily pain.  It is getting better with physical therapy, but is a constant reminder that everything is not quite okay with my body.  Finally, I need a new job for better hours.  This had been the reason at the top of my list, but as I consider taking on another job, hours don't seem like they are as important as being able to provide food and shelter.  I suppose it is all relative.

For now I will just pray.  I decided that was how I would spend my ten minutes using the hand bike in physical therapy.  I prayed.  I have so many blessings like an amazing husband, supportive family, a roof over our heads, food on the table, paychecks coming in consistently, incredible friends, reliable transportation, etc. I know I will be provided for, I always have been.  Some how, some way, I just have to believe it will all be okay.

P.S. Speaking of the amazing blessing my husband is...he knew I was stressed tonight, so surprised me with a date! We got coffee to go and went to watch a local house that has choreographed their lights to Halloween music.  It was so much fun and so sweet.  He sure is a keeper.

Book review of How to Eat Like A Hot Chick and my meandering thoughts on beauty

I had a fabulous birthday and wonderful anniversary with my dear husband.  One of my birthday gifts was a gift card to purchase some new books for my Kindle.  One of the books I purchased was How to Eat Like a Hot Chick by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent.  I originally heard about the book on Facebook.  One of my friends was a fan of their How to Live Like a Hot Chick page.  The page offers useful advice for women everywhere.  The advice is often the kind of advice that epitomizes who I want to be, who I think I am, etc.  After reading their posts I started looking in to their books.  I decided to give the How to Eat Like a Hot Chick book a chance.  What I liked about the book is that it is not a diet.  It's just lifestyle changes, maybe not even changes, more like tips.  They also take a perspective that I love...the concept is we are all beautiful.  It's sort of a book on how to live a confident life as the beautiful woman you are.  It's a quick read and I suggest you pick it up or check it out from the library.  Of course like any book there are things to take with a grain of salt.  Most of it though is just straight forward...like how to approach the salad bar, how to splurge, daily habits that make sense, and why eating spinach is great for your body.  I also appreciated that they suggest physical activity, about an hour a day. It's a simple approach and one that really doesn't deprive a person of anything, which I love!
Really, my favorite part of this book is that they don't put words like fat, skinny, and beautiful on the same level.  Words relating to size never relate to beauty! Beauty is something that comes from within, it's your confidence, your personality, who you are.  Even when I am frustrated with losing weight, I still know I am beautiful. I don't think I have a big head or an ego the size of Texas, I'm just confident.  Obviously, I want to lose weight for health reasons and know my quality of life would be improved.  Not because beauty has to do with the size of my pants, but everything to do with what really matters in life! So, I hope all of you know this too.  You are beautiful.

(Psst...this is where I would cue a great song like Mika...Big Girls You Are Beautiful or My Wish by Rascal Flatts)

Summer, summer, summer

I can't believe summer is almost over!  I look back at the season and realize we have done a lot.  I staffed lots of events, took a trip to Montana, attended a couple weddings, I finished my Master's, saw Alan Jackson in concert, landscaped more of our backyard, hosted family from out of town, went fishing, ate smores at the annual Independence day potluck, did a 5k, took walks, and just enjoyed one another's company.  Still, I find myself wanting more summer! Time to go swimming, camping, a few more vacations, Rockie's games, etc.

What's your favorite thing to do in summer?  Like if you were going to recommend one "summer" thing to do, what would it be?

The drama of morbid obesity

Unless you have or are morbidly obese, I’m not sure you will understand the desparity of my situation. I started reading a book today, on the recommendation of my dietician, called Full: A Life without Dieting. My dietician had shared with me that the author of the book is a gentleman who specializes in performing gastric bypass and lap band. She also assured me his book actually suggested other resolves to obesity than bariatric surgery. Thanks to my Kindle, I know I am approximately 14% of the way through the book. I have cried through the first 10% of the book. Not even just slow tears falling down my face, but more like an inconsolable sobbing. It’s the kind of grief I have experienced only a couple of times in my life. The kind that literally causes my heart to feel pain, my body to feel ill, and my eyes to burn with dryness. Naturally, I don’t expect that any other person would have this gut reaction to reading a non-fiction book on dieting.


One of the points in the book is a question that this doctor asks his bariatric surgery patients. He asks them when they first realized they had a weight issue. I thought about this question. I realized that I nearly hate the once-upon-a-time friend’s mother who asked me, “Nacole, you look like you have lost weight, what have you been doing?” Did I mention I was six years old? I can even tell you where I was standing. It was a house near our high school in my home town, the house sat just kitty corner from the school and was always covered in ivy. We were standing in the kitchen, near the window that faced the street. At six years old, I even had a response! I remember telling her I cut back on snacks. I wish I were making this story up, oh how I ache to wish that were all a made up story.

Instead, here I sit. Nearly 20 years later. Morbidly obese. Why? Well, to be honest, I’m not really sure. The first quip that pops into my head is that I have failed at dieting for, ahh, 20 years. Of course I understand that weight loss is calories in and calories out, how many calories are in a pound, the benefits of physical activity, the importance of portion control, a diet that is balanced with proteins, carbohydrates, fat, etc. I know the book and science answer to some extent. What I don’t know is why I’m not strong enough to make it work. Why I can’t continue to make the choices and decisions I know I desperately need to make. I have said for quite some time that it doesn’t really matter what diet plan you follow, as long as you follow it. Yet, here I sit. Here I sit after bawling my eyes out because I can’t follow a diet plan. I can’t follow a plan that could potentially save my life, reduce my risk of cancer, reduce my risk for heart disease, and keep me to the best of my ability out of an early grave. I’m sad, I’m burdened, I’m exhausted. This book pointed out a statistic that I have read numerous times before. The book states, “You see, if you are morbidly obese – on average, about 100 pounds or more over-weight – you are at a distinct disadvantage. There is less than a 5 percent chance that you can lose weight and keep it off. This has been proven by no less than the National Institutes of Health. So that is why my bariatric surgery practice exists. I want to give my patients a fighting chance.”

I’ll be very honest, I’ve been very critical of bariatric surgery. Very critical. I’ve seen more people go through it and come out with minimal success than I’d care to share. I have a co-worker who has lost over 100 lbs on it. I have two family members who have lost some amount of weight, although certainly not enough in my mind to justify the over $20,000 it costs. I also don’t think it’s flattering the way the weight comes off. People seem to lose it in odd places. See, told you I was critical. So, here I sit. Frustrated with my efforts, not sure where to dig down deep and find strength. I know my body is a temple. I know I deserve the best. I know this. What I don’t know is why these things don’t all connect and stop me from taking another bite of my delicious dinner, even after I’m full. Why it doesn’t stop me from eating out of boredom. Why I’m seemingly unable to pick a plan and just stick to it. Why, why, why? For tonight, I’m out of answers. I’m stuck and I don’t know where to go from here. In case you are vaguely curious, bariatric surgery is not covered by my insurance and if I had $20,000 I have other places I would spend it. I’m not really considering this option, just happened to be a focal point of the book I am reading, a suggestion a doctor gave me, and this lingering concept in the back of my head that I have long dismissed. The real point is the stupid stat on 5% of the morbidly obese population being unable to lose weight and keep it off. Sure, I’d like to think I fall into that driven 5% of people, but don’t we all think that on some level? Couldn’t I just be another one of the more likely 95% of people who can’t, don’t, won’t, etc.? Obviously, I don’t have answers to these questions. I just needed to vent, put everything down into words, so I could try and get some sleep. I’m desperate for a healthier life and somehow in my world, the dots are not connecting…

Wedded Bliss

This week we traveled to Wyoming for our friends T & T to get married.  It was such a fabulous wedding.  These two have been inseparable since they met and we were so ecstatic to be a part of their special day.  We had so much fun with the wedding party and catching up with people I hadn't seen in a few years!  I got to have dinner with my cousin Char, play poker over a few drinks...just like college, we got to help set up for the wedding and bond with the families, the rehearsal dinner was wonderful, and the wedding was of course spectacular.  At the rehearsal dinner I was wearing black leggings with heels and a cute little black dress.  When I went to get out of the car my dress blew up.  Not sort of or kind of, but clear up to my face...and the back of my head! I was fortunate only my husband and T & T saw...I think!  After a few giggles we went inside for a great dinner, drinks, and lots of fun.  I got a really cool gift bag with all sorts of goodies to pamper myself...even a robe with my name and a new blanket! 

The wedding day was fantastic, we had our pedicures and manicures done in advance.  I also got a sunless tan and had my hair done.  My hair took 47 bobby pins and I'm guessing a half a can of hairspray, but it stayed in beautifully! The ceremony was really nice and I had to stop myself from crying nearly a dozen times.  I was so happy thinking about how amazing God is, how beautiful love is, how great of a couple T & T are, and how much I love my husband.  Life is so good. The reception was a blast.  We had just the right wedding party to pull off a dancing entrance.  There was a photo booth, candy bar, games for the kids, and so many wonderful people.  The happy couple left on their honeymoon (despite making a grand exit and needing to jump the car).  I couldn't be happier for the pair and was so happy to be part of their special day. 

Did I just win the lottery?

On Wednesday we went to a doctor's appointment with my fertility doctor. It took me a few months to get to a place where I was ready to walk through the doors of his office.  It has been so bittersweet.  His office has offered us hope, but it's still difficult to walk into an office and see other people happily pregnant.  I was excited to see the staff again, they are amazing.  We got there and were greeted with smiles, how are you's, etc.  Everyone was so sincere.  There was one other couple in the waiting room. I could tell they were there for their first consultation appointment. After sitting for just a minute, our doctor called us back.

We sat down and chatted about the days events, just making small talk.  Eventually, we got to talking about our IVF cycle.  The doctor said the staff had reviewed my file that morning and even after 27 years, occasionally a case comes along that still makes them tear up.  He said they were so hopeful for us, so happy for our success, and so heart broken over our loss.  We talked about what may have been the cause of a miscarriage.  It's difficult to tell whether it could be an egg quality issue or a sperm quality issue.  Some of the research from scholarly journal articles that I have read and my doctor has studied include miscarriage rates sharply declining when bmi is below a certain number.  I acknowledged that I'd be ready to jump right back in the saddle again, but would like to get to my weight loss goal.  I proceeded to say that it was sort of a ridiculous thought because even though I could reach my weight loss goal, that didn't mean I would have the funds needed to attempt IVF again.  This is where the doctor said that after talking to his staff, they want to help us out.  I could've jumped up and given him a kiss on the cheek.  He went on to say they wouldn't be able to help with the cost of medication, but they had contacted pharmacies to see if they would donate the samples we need to get through a cycle.  It was clear he had put a lot of thought into our story.  I seriously felt like I won the lottery. 

In addition to helping with the cost, he has brand new technology he wants to use.  It deals with the oxygen ratio that the embryos are held in.  Science has not figured out a way to emulate the unique nutrition offered from each woman to an embryo in utero, so there is not a tissue that can just be used.  Instead embryos are kept in an oxygenated environment in the lab.  The levels of oxygen can be regulated and some reports claim the success is higher in lower oxygen environments.  No report has claimed lower success.  The machine won't be tested and up for running for a little while.  This is perfect, because I need a little while to work on weight loss. 

I still feel like I could've just won the lottery, God is so good to me!

A sign of the thesis times...

My signature page came!  This might not mean anything to 99% of the population, but to me it is a sign of completion!  Following my thesis defense, I got a "nice to work with you" message from my advisor.  That was it.  I was assuming this meant my thesis had been accepted, but wouldn't know for a fact until I got a signature page in the mail.  It came on Saturday.  It came in a big white envelope and is printed on a nice paper.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Now I get to print, bind, and send the finished product back to be cataloged in the library.  Hallelujah. I made it.  I did it. I am so proud of this work, all 94 pages of it!  Next on the docket...my last class.  It starts on Monday and is a class in Servant Leadership.  Upon completion I will have not only completed my Master's degree, but also earned a certificate in Servant Leadership.  Eight weeks from now my course work for this program will be done and I will have a new set of credentials to add to my resume! Cheers to academia!

Gluten what?

Since my doctor told me to cut down my refined carbs to one meal and focus on gluten free, I have been slow to change.  I didn't want to rush right out and buy a bunch of gluten free products that I was only going to eat at one meal a day.  Instead, I decided to cut down to carbs at one meal a day and use up some of what we have in the house.  I had also planned on being part of a pie and cake competition on Saturday.  They of course had a tasting after the judges had tried their pieces.  I wanted to taste the "competition".  Then proceeded to taste a couple of other treats.  My pie took second place...out of two pies.  The winning pie was apple and mine was peanut butter.  I don't think mine won because I work for the organization having the contest.  The pie that won was not as good as the ones my family has made.  Plus, everyone kept going back to my pie for seconds, thirds, and fourths.  That didn't happen with the winning pie.  Anyway, I brought a cake home from the cake & pie auction which we shared with our brother & sister-in-law.  I had a headache that evening and went to bed early.  I woke up with a terrible headache and upset stomach.  I blame it on the myriad of gluten products I ate the day before.  Sigh...anyway, it prompted me to change the dessert I had planned to make for our dinner party.  I was going to bake an angel food cake with strawberries.  Instead, I made a flourless chocolate cake and will garnish with whipped cream and strawberries.  Here is the recipe.  It tastes wonderful, but it stuck to the pan a little, so mine is a little funny shaped, like a pancake.  It was surprisingly easy to make. 

I was also happy to try some new gluten free crackers today.  I slept in really late this morning, woke up to breakfast in bed, and wasn't quite ready for a big lunch.  I decided to have some soup with crackers and cheese.  My Progresso Clam Chowder was gluten free and already in my cupboard.  I had purchased some sesame crackers that are really tasty!  My dear husband who is a carb lover, even likes my sesame crackers.  They were super crispy, salty, and delicious. I think everyone should try them!

What's up Doc?

Thursday morning I visited my regular doctor’s office.  I hate going to the doctor just to find out I’m a whiner or not really having any serious problems, so I save up reasons to go.  Today, I presented three.  One was my back pain, the second was my ears, and the third was a question about gluten.  I felt a little silly have three different issues, but I knew one would be super quick.  She checked my ears first, they were fine, I’m just congested from allergies.  I was glad they were okay, it seems like everyone locally has had ear infections!  My back is probably my sciatic nerve.  I had seen the same doctor back in January when I couldn’t stand up my back hurt so bad.  She gave me some exercises to do every morning to strengthen my lower back. She also put me back on the ice, rest, and meds campaign.  Hopefully, just a couple of days and I’ll be back to good. Regarding the gluten the doctor thought I might have an intolerance.  She gave me a few nutritional guidelines, not necessarily related to gluten intolerance.  She wants me to start each day with a protein source within 30 minutes of waking up.  She also suggested a half a grapefruit to aid with digestion, specifically the body processing fat.  I am suppose to drink at least 100 ounces of water a day, which I do usually anyway.  I am also suppose to limit refined carbohydrates to one meal.  She explained that a small serving of spaghetti with a couple pieces of garlic bread would be plenty for someone for a day’s worth of those type of carbohydrates.  She also suggested some gluten free products to try.  I guess we give this a whirl and see how it goes.  I found it mildly interesting that she said, “Don’t go crazy and cut all carbs out of your diet or do Atkins.”  Especially since I just told her I ate spaghetti for dinner a couple nights earlier! I love carbs, cutting them out is not an option in the forseeable future! Anyway, glad I’m okay and have simple changes to make. 

Thesis...Defended

I just defended my thesis.  Leading up to the presentation I wanted to either pee my pants or vomit.  I was literally on the verge of shaking.  Here is the play by play (this is for me to remember in the future, feel free to skip past what I said for a shortened version of this post)...

1.) I was the first on the call at 5 minutes prior which made me super nervous.  Finally, others started to join and chat.  I was amazed at what people didn't know, like whether we were allowed to use first person language, how long we were suppose to present, whether they would be questioned, etc.  In fact, one of the females started to kind of rag on her advisor. I chimed in and reminded everyone their advisors could be on the phone call and to be honest, I think they were.

2.) Five minutes after when we were suppose to start, the faculty joined the call.  At this point we realized there was a loud buzzing and everyone had to hang up and call back.  There was still a buzzing so the faculty changed rooms. We ended up starting 15 minutes late.

3.) When they finally took role there was one person who no-showed! Which is insanity.  One of the faculty started the defense by explaining this was really a celebration.  This is a little funny to me, because I have been to a lot of celebrations and never felt this nervous! One of the students  told everyone on the call she was not prepared at all.  Apparently, she didn't prepare her speech for this so-called celebration. There was one person who went before me and she didn't even tell us the name of her thesis or what she did.  She sort of got nailed for that when they got to question her.

4.) When it came to my turn, this is what I said...
Good afternoon, title of my thesis project is: Communication: Perception, Projection, and Personal Peace. I would like to begin by thanking my advisor HC and my mentor AS.


The concept of integrating communication and personal peace was inspired by Gandhi’s quote you must be the change you want to see in the world. I recognized that if I wanted to make a change in feeling at peace in my environment, it had to start with me. I also realized that understanding the connection between perception, projection, and personal peace was crucial. Ultimately, I chose a project because I wanted to give this topic as much reach as possible. I decided a course curriculum would be the way to satisfy this desire to educate people on interpersonal communication and how it relates to personal peace.

The goal of this project was to study both personal peace and communication and determine how they were connected. After reviewing this literature, the curriculum was created.

This study and corresponding curriculum is important because it stands to serve individuals by offering them increased personal peace through ethical practice and greater understanding of interpersonal communications.

To lay the groundwork for this project, it is important to understand a few terms. The first term is perception which was considered to be the way we perceive or take in the world around us. Projection is the attribution of one’s own attitudes, feelings, or suppositions to others according to Pickett. Personal peace was thought of in terms of the feelings or calmness that arises out of being content with ones actions.

To gather a better understanding of the topics guiding this project, I referred to several literary works. Naturally, I wanted to support this thesis project and ground it in a theoretical base. I chose two theories, Existential Theory by Carl Rogers and Blumer’s Symbolic Interactionism Theory. Rogers stated that the behavior of the human organism may be determined by the influences to which it has been exposed, but it may also be determined by the creative and integrative insight of the organism itself. This ability of the person to discover new meaning in the forces which impinge upon him and in the past experiences which have been controlling him, and the ability to consciously alter his behavior in the light of the new meaning, has a profound significance. The significance of Rogers proposition is especially interesting when studying the relation of how we perceive information, project information and have the ability to alter our perception or projection to increase our personal peace. The second theory was Symbolic Interactionsim. Blumer described his theory by noting that it rests in the analysis of three premises. One was that human beings act on things on the basis of the meanings that the things have for them. The second is that the meaning of such things is derived from or arises out of the social interaction. The third premise is that these meanings are handled in and modified through an interpretive process used by the person in dealing with the things they encounter. Specifically the things that Blumer was describing were people or institutions. We can take this theory and look closer at our actions in relation to how we perceive the world around us and project our thoughts, feelings, or attitudes. By taking a closer look at these actions we can analyze what we can do to potentially increase our own personal peace.

Regarding perception there was one piece of information I found particularly interesting. According to the Journal of Positive Psychology the more abstractly people tend to view important aspects of their lives, the more satisfying they tended to rate their lives. Regarding Projection the most interesting part was discovering more about how Freud viewed projection which was to view it as a way for an organism to manage internal stimuli that threatens quiescence or peace. One of the ways projection can be manage is through ethical communication. When it came to personal peace I thought that a parable from Buddha put everything together. That parable said better than a speech of a thousand vain words is one thoughtful word which brings peace to the mind. One of the reasons this was so profound to me was it connected really well with Aristotle’s concept of being in a contented state of happiness in accordance with virtue and one can not be at peace, unless they have virtue. In regard to creating a course curriculum Kirkwood’s work pointed out that individuals need to be taught to develop their emotional capacities just as they are taught math or science. Just as critical thinking is taught as part of argumentation so too something like ‘educated feeling’ would seem to fall to rhetoric in so far as pathos is a major element in argumentation, public speaking, persuasion, and rhetorical analysis.

To create a new course there were a few questions to be considered that I drew from the book teaching communication: Theory, Research, and Methods. This course is new in the sense it takes an interpersonal communication course and focuses on personal peace. The curriculum is intended for students who are just beginning to learn about the field of communication on college or university campus. The role of the teacher is to facilitate the course curriculum and encourage students to engage in dialogue that will leave an impression that reaches far beyond the classroom. The course is a skills based course which includes several opportunities for discussion that will encourage students to recognize their relevant communication processes and phenomena in their own relationships and interactions are hopefully prepared to be skilled communicators through better recognition, analysis, and response to daily situations. Using the Rogers theory the learner is as the center of the education and encouraged to draw upon their personal experiences to better understand the concepts presented. Symbolic Interactionism also discussed the idea of learners gathering information through interaction. The course tackled this interaction through group work, dialogue, and collaboration with members of their community.

The course was broken into four modules. One focuses on Communication, one on perception, one on projection, and one on personal peace. Students complete writing prompts such as describing how a topic relates to current events or personal situations, write an ethical dilemma paper, complete a group project on the perceptions of students on campus regarding a current event, write a disclosure research paper and present the information, participate in numerous class discussions and activities, complete tests, and write a final paper that combines all of the information they have learned. The course text is Understanding Interpersonal Communication: Making Choices in Changing Times by West and Turner. This text spoke to the heart of the curriculum.

This project will hopefully serve as a springboard for future research and evaluation. Ideally this course curriculum will be presented and revised by individual educators based on student feedback and further refinement. I hope this thesis project adds to the field of communication and can possibly have a positive impact on our world.

5.) After my presentation which lasted just over 8 minutes, I was open for questions.  One of the faculty who is actually my academic advisor asked me to further explain projection and how psychology and communication were expanded on in this project.  I was able to explain this and had actually expected this question.  The next question was from the head of the department who asked where I got this topic from and whether I had discussed my work with any universities to see if they were interested in my curriculum.  Fortunately, I had talked to an old professor who was really excited about my work and was able to speak to that.  Finally, another faculty member started suggesting local universities who might be interested in my curriculum!  I was very flattered by this.
 
6.) That's it, that's what I went through. I think it went fairly well, but I still feel jitters in my stomach.  Now I get to hang out on the call for another hour and listen to other student's defend.  I think I sounded confident and well versed.  I am still in shock that I just defended my thesis. This is so surreal!

P.S. At the end of the call, all of the faculty clapped and cheered for us. I felt like a million bucks! It was so awesome!

Counting my blessings

I was thinking tonight that I have had so many things I wanted to post on Facebook the past couple days.  I always hesitate to post, because if it is about work, I don't want to leave someone out or chose favorites.  So, I decided to share some of my blessings:
1.) I had a great committee meeting last night. I work with phenomenal volunteers.
2.) I had a good committee meeting tonight.  I presented some not so pretty statistics and I think my volunteers are rising to the challenge. I'm impressed.
3.) I had the best meal I have had all month, made by a committee member...and I have the recipe!
4.) I've gotten to talk to my sister the past couple days, as I've been driving home or in between crazy moments at work. She's listened to me be so moody this week. I've complained, I've whined, and she's been supportive and such a good balance. I am so thankful to have a sibling who is so understanding and compassionate.
5.) I came home after a 12 hour day at work for the second day in a row, to find my husband had gone grocery shopping! He did a great job! He bought fresh fruit, vegetables, and made healthy choices. I was so proud of his choices and so pleased to have him taking care of me! I know grocery shopping should be a priority, but I just haven't had time.  I am so fortunate to be married to someone who is so thoughtful, so kind, and so loving!

Defeat: 2; N: 0

Even though I said I was done being defeated, I'd be lieing if I said it hasn't been difficult.  Two nights in a row I have found myself feeling defeated for one reason or another. Tonight is a reoccurring issue.  I see something inside myself that I just feel like no one else sees.  It's so frustrating and feels like a constant fight with the rest of the world to prove who I am.  The worst part is I have this rebellious streak that thinks, well if you think/say/do that, then I'll just continue x behavior to prove you wrong.  I'm also upset because the thing I feel like I'm proving to the world, I used to really believe and now I question.  Which leads me to wonder if no one else sees what's inside of me, because I don't see it any longer.  Ugh...defeat. I know I can work through anything, I just underestimated how challenging anything can be.  I have tomorrow off and am hoping to sleep in and wake up feeling less defeated. 

Poll

I love to read people's success stories. I was reading one yesterday and have been thinking about one of the main points in the story. The person said something to the effect of, "eating, brushing my teeth, sleeping, etc. are non negotiables in day-to-day life, so why should exercise be negotiable?"  I want to know...what are your thoughts? Do you agree? Is this how you view exercise? 
It's a different perspective than what I have heard before, there are no right or wrong answers, I'm just purely curious what your view points are.  Also, I'd encourage you to comment before reading other people's comments. I want to know your unique response. If you comment and then want to go back and read other comments and comment back, feel free. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

Mojo back?

Today was day two that I decided to start eating better again. I did good yesterday and I did well today.  I decided to keep track with Weight Watchers.  Partially because I can do it with one of my relatives and also because I have all of the tools.  I also like not being restricted.  I was proud of myself yesterday because we went out for dinner and I didn't like what I ordered. Normally, I would have ate it anyway, because I feel guilty not eating it. Not yesterday.  I didn't eat it and I didn't take any to go.  I was very content with my decision and empowered!  Today I had lunch at TGI Fridays. I tried to make a decent decision on what I ordered.  I did pretty good overall. This evening we went for a 40 minute walk.  It feels good to be back to taking care of me.  I just decided I wasn't going to let anything defeat me.  I have discovered I am a resilient person and I started this weight loss journey quite a while ago, I just made a pit stop. So after resting, I am continuing on my journey.  I also like the new Weight Watcher program because you can eat fruit and veggies when you are hungry.  They have a points value of zero.  I am able to stay within my points range easily most days, even eating out. Anyway, cheers to having my mojo back!

Thesis Update

I have a lot of editing still to do, but am EXCITED beyond words after an e-mail I received today. The program's administrative staff e-mailed me today to schedule orals! I was nervous because I had not received a date, time, e-mail, etc. about this.  You have to be selected for orals to complete the thesis.  I thought that maybe because it had taken me a little longer in different points that they would make me wait a whole semester to complete my thesis.  This is a huge weight off my shoulders! For this evening, I am just excited beyond words.  I am sure I will get nervous as the date looms, but for tonight I am so happy.

I mentioned this in my last post (I think), but here is what my mentor said about my work:

Hi N, it looks really good to me. Very impressive work in such a short time. Great going! I concentrated on the appendix materials for this work as I think you've already responded to all of The Advisor's comments.
One change - you need to type "Gandhi" not "Ghandi." (**okay, this is N typing, I ALWAYS make this error, lol...must learn to spell Gandhi!**) Also, I think your appendix and materials are really very thorough. I'm quite impressed with the amount of work you've done in that - it really does look like a very good and thorough thesis. I am quite confident in your ability to be able to market this course to a college. You might want to think of a way in which you could tailor this course to an online/remote audience, as that might improve your chances of getting this course accepted by a college.

Thanks, and I look forward to seeing your finalized thesis,

My Mentor
 
Anyway, I am pumped to work on my thesis, this was just the boost I needed. Thesis, rock on.

In my part of the world

In my wonderful corner of the world I have today off! I slept in, then was pleasantly surprised to see my sister call (I expected it to be work), listened to the birds chirp, and just snuggled under the blankets.  When I got up I actually had time to eat breakfast.  I've been drinking Slim Fast shakes just to have something on my way out the door and eating protein bars for lunch, just to eat real quick.  I am so ecstatic that I have a free day to leisurely shower, workout, go grocery shopping, etc.  I was telling my sister that I can't remember the last time I showered and wasn't in a rush to get somewhere.  Today I can actually take the time to, oh, I don't know...shave?! Yay! Funny how the little things in life matter. I also have not been grocery shopping in a couple weeks.  I love living life, but I also love having time to do little things that matter.
Last night one of my volunteers shared with me he had lost 80 lbs. I was so impressed. It makes my 65 look small. Since I met him, I always thought he was just "born small".  I was inspired. He has a difficult job as a case worker and I figure if he can lose 80 lbs, so can I.  As I make my grocery list, I am keeping this mind. I know what to do, I just need to value myself and my time enough to do it.
I was also pleasantly surprised when I came home from work late last night to find my advisor and mentor had both sent me feedback for my thesis project. I expected to be put off for a while, so to have less than 24 hour turn around is so impressive. I plan to work on editing this afternoon.  I also want to work out, maybe do Zumba or another video or go for a nice long walk. My workout equipment is currently blocked as that area has a new piece of equipment under construction! The dear husband has been putting together a brand new home gym...thanks Uncle Sam for the tax return and WalMart for everyday low prices...sometimes.
I was going to title my blog, the funny things in N's Wonderful World, but then I couldn't remember the funny things I wanted to share. I can remember two. One is that as I was looking in the bathroom mirror this morning, I thought I could see someone off to my right. I sort of jumped in shock. I realized it was a piece of my hair...yep. I have crazy bed head when I wake up and my hair is all over until I brush it, apparently it's pretty scary.  Also, speaking of my thesis feedback, I had to borrow the dear hubby's computer while I was sans laptop.  Apparently, my advisor looks at the track changes features a lot because she asked me, "Who is Jbug?" in the comments section of my thesis. I laughed out loud.  That's the hubby's nick name that only I refer to him as.  I was slightly embarrassed and am not sure where it is appropriate to answer that question, in the Blackboard column, in an e-mail, etc.  I'm sure she is just checking to make sure it's all my original work.  Either way, when you are naming your computer, you may want to steer clear of funny nicknames if you will be tracking changes. 
Okay, I am off to enjoy the rest of my day! Yay time for blogging and loving life!

Life marches on...

The past month has been crazy.  I took a couple days off the beginning of March to process life.  A co-worker left our office the following week and my workload grew substantially. We got to spend an evening with some new friends and another evening with the brother and sister-in-law and sweet niece. I got to staff a Crop For A Cure and make a few cards the middle of the month, I think this is exactly what I needed, a day of doing something I loved. I was constantly surprised by the things that made us happy for an instant, most of them were things I didn't even know I needed...like people ordering meals, flowers filled with butterflies, nights with other people, etc.
Right after my Crop For A Cure event I traveled to Spokane, WA to complete my practicum for my Master's degree.  I am really not the type of person who is ever homesick.  This trip was one of the hardest I have ever gone on.  I didn't want to leave the dear husband, not for one day, let alone 4-5 days. Fortunately, the practicum kept me so busy that I didn't have a moment to text or even think about anything.  I did pretty good until I heard a speech on adoption and the professor leading the class was giving feedback to the speaker.  He suggested she makes some points on who might be interested in adoption and suggested those having difficulty with fertility.  I had teared up before, but this forced me to stand up, leave the room, bawl my eyes out, pull my self back together, and come back a few minutes later.  I was able to quickly compose myself, but it was a reminder that I still grieve. I was so happy to fly home to my dear husband.  An added bonus was my friend T was in town! She came to do some wedding shopping and I got to throw her a bridal shower. The dear hubby woke up sick that Saturday morning.  He was so miserable!  I felt so bad for him.
The bridal shower was fantastic! I hosted it at a little tea house nearby. We got to dress up, drink tea, enjoy scone and finger sandwiches.  We also got to catch up with friends we hadn't seen in years! We had such an enjoyable time!  I even got to go hot tubbing while she was in town.
Last week I worked four nights in a row and Saturday.  In the middle of my practicum my computer died, so the hubby and I spent one evening searching for a laptop. When we found the perfect one it wasn't available.  We also went to purchase a home gym, when we got there the price had changed. With absolutely no shopping luck, we went home.  On Saturday we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday at Olive Garden. Later, I competed in a chili cookoff for work.  I didn't win, but got tons of compliments and people asking if they could pay me to make the chili for them! That's pretty cool.  Saturday evening we had company over and played games. On Sunday I got to meet my friend S for lunch at an Indian food place.  The food was better than the other Indian place near by, but not nearly as good as what I had with my sister in Fargo, ND! The best part was getting to hang out with S! After lunch I went to my matron-of-honor dress fitting at David's Bridal where they temporarily lost my shoes.  Fortunately, they found my shoes and I didn't  need a single alteration on my dress.  Sunday afternoon I worked on my thesis.  I woke up on Monday, called in to work to say I wouldn't be there on account of I needed to use my flex time, and spent 12 hours working on my thesis.  My brain was so fried by the time I went to bed last night! The good news is I am back on track with my thesis! I had gotten behind with all the chaos this month, but am back on schedule.  My advisor encouraged me to take a break and finish in the fall, but some how I felt like that was defeat.  I refused to let the goings on in life defeat me.  I didn't have any idea how strong I could be until this month and I was darned if I was going to get this far to surrender on graduating in July!  So, I have submitted my work.  Hopefully, they accept my work with minimal changes.  I am helping staff an event this week and fly to Seattle on Friday.  I come back Sunday afternoon.  I am not as apprehensive about this trip.  I love traveling to Seattle and am excited to work there for a few days.  Honestly, I am also excited for April. April has to get better than March.  I come back to staffing an event for a few hundred people, but am looking forward to a hopefully more relaxing month. 

Miscarriage

Shortly after finding out we were expecting a series of blood tests indicated I was having a miscarriage.  I was amazed at how quickly the few symptoms of pregnancy I had went away.  We have grieved and continue to grieve.  We have no idea what life has in store for us next.  I do know that God must have some amazing plan for us, it's hard to possibly imagine what that plan could be, but I'm confident that it's His plan.  We have been touched by the amount of love and support our family and friends have shown us.  Thanks for your love, support, and care.

Pregnant

This morning I went in for my first of three blood tests.  I was so nervous all the way to the doctor's office and all the way home.  The phlebometamist said that my blood needed time to clot and she would have results around 9:45.  This was at 9.  When I went in for my transfer the doctor said I would have results in less than two hours.  When two hours came and went, I called the office.  No one answered, so I left a message for the on call staff.  Thirty minutes later, no one had called back.  The message when I originally called said to expect a return call in under 15 minutes. I decided to call back in, because I may not have left my original message on the correct answering system.  About 15 minutes later, we got a phone call from the nurse. I put her on speaker phone for the hubby to hear.  She asked me how I was doing, I thought she was being pretty chipper if she was going to deliver any bad news. Anyway, she said, "I just got off the phone with the lab and your HCG level was a 9.6"  There was a pause as I processed the fact anything over a 5 meant pregnancy and I said, "I'm pregnant?!"  She said, "Yes, you are pregnant, congratulations!"  She did say my levels were on the low end, so she was going to call the doctor and consult with him.  A few minutes later my doctor called back and increased my progesterone from one shot a day to two shots a day.  I go back on Tuesday for a second blood draw.  We are praying that the HCG number has at least doubled or more.  I also go back on Thursday morning.

Here are some fun facts...

A few weeks ago my mom had a prediction that she would find out I was pregnant the same day she found out my sister was accepted into medical school. Guess what, my sister found out late last night and we announced this afternoon!

The due date will probably be November 5, 2011.

I am guessing we are pregnant with one wonderful baby, but we find out for sure in a couple weeks!

I think this is a HUGE testament to the power of prayer.  Thanks again for all of your love, support, and prayers. Please keep praying for my numbers to rise and a healthy pregnancy.

The hubby and I are ecstatic.  I think this is the second happiest day of my life (the first was marrying my dear husband)!

In the 2 Week Wait Update

So, I am feeling a little more optimistic.  There are a few reasons, so I will go through them chronologically backward.

Through this whole journey I have had this really terrible thought process that maybe my inability to become pregnant was somehow God's way of punishing me for my actions when I was younger.  Today at church the sermon was about love.  The part that jumped out at me was when the pastor talked about our God not being a God of retribution.  If our God was a God of retribution, we would all be, well in pretty bad shape if here at all!  Instead we have a God of love.  A God who has made us in His image and forgives us, because he is a loving God.  I am so thankful we went to church this morning, because this was the message I needed to hear.  Not to mention, our pastors are so kind.  As soon as we walked in both pastors came right up!  One of them pointed at us (like we were just the people he wanted to see) and walked over, sat down, and asked how IVF was going. Despite the fact he had tons of people to talk to, he sat and checked in with us right until church started.  He really seems to understand what infertility and trying to conceive is like.  It makes me wonder if he has had first hand experience, because he is so compassionate.  Just in case you are wondering, we had two pastors today, the one who gave the sermon was our intern pastor from Wisconsin and the one who sat with us for a while is our normal pastor.  Anyway, it was so nice to hear messages of love. 

On that note, I cannot even begin to tell all of you how much your love and support have helped the past few days especially.  I appreciate your prayers, love, friendship, and sisterhood more than I can even imagine.  Whether it's remembering us with flowers, a note on your Facebook comments, a comment on our blog, a call, or text, it has been exponentially helpful.  I am so blessed to have you in my lives.

I have been having some abdominal cramps which I think is a good sign.  I have had a series of other comical symptoms, but I chalk them all up to my daily shots of progesterone and estrogen patches.  Just for fun-sake here is what I'm experiencing: I am SO hungry,  I am wanting to eat some different foods than normal like fried chicken, I am nearly to a point where I want to sleep with a bra on, I have gagged twice- once over the smell of a dry erase marker being used on a white board and later when my piece of pizza had a tiny piece of Italian sausage that had a faint flavor of anise. They truly are a result of the drugs I am on.  They want your body to think and act like it's pregnant hoping the embryos have implanted.  The result is symptoms that are very difficult to sort out from what's pregnancy and what's drugs.  It's all sort of comical though.

Another piece of information that I found helpful was that embryos don't typically do well after day 6 outside of the uterus.  They much prefer to be toasting like buns in an oven in a natural environment.  I felt much better learning and understanding this.  The doctor said the fact the others didn't make it to freeze had no impact on the success of the ones that were transferred.

I am more at peace, more hopeful, and am thinking positive thoughts at this point. The wait is really seeming crazy long at this point, fortunately I have a busy next couple of weeks at work to keep me rather distracted!

Thanks again for all of your love and support.