R-E-S-P-E-C-T...

Usually, I think I handle feedback pretty well.  I usually listen when I get feedback, think about how I could improve my skill set, and spring into action.  I am always willing to learn, in fact, I enjoy learning.  Out of my desire to please everyone...I am always willing to work on me.  Well, maybe I should not say always.  I had my mid-year review this week at work.  I was prepared to get feedback on things like how I focus on relationships more than income.  I'm a relationship driven person, but I work in a field where numbers make or break you.  While great relationships should in theory yield high numbers, I end up falling short of making my income goals, but people usually have really good relationships with me.
I was prepped for the same old feedback.  I have worked really hard this year at being more numbers driven and balancing my relationships with people.  The result? I'm working more hours than ever before and am more short on my income goal than ever before.  At least I can document all of my steps to raise money.  So, what was the feedback they gave me on this review? That I'm too respectful.  My respect for others gets in the way meeting objectives such as income.  (Please, please, do not take this as a bash on the organization. I am certain this is not an organizational statement, but rather feedback from one specific person who happens to be my supervisor.)
When I was given the feedback, I just listened.  Then I said that was very challenging because I believe, at my core, believe you win more bees with honey.  I believe in the power of treating one another the way you want to be treated or better. I believe in the power of people and relationships.  I believe in giving every single person who wants to volunteer a chance at it.  There is a way for every single person in our community to help if they so desire.  Apparently, this is not a shared value.  I was also criticized for having people on my committee who aren't important enough.  This really rubs me the wrong way.  If the people I am working with are not important enough, what am I?
This feedback all kind of makes my head spin, my heart hurt, and makes me realize I have to find a new job.  I interviewed this week. It felt like it went well, but time will only tell.  I know that interviews are just as much about finding a good fit personality wise as it is about skill sets, etc.  I'm just ready to check out of work, do my exit interview (the information above is all signed by my supervisor, so will be easy to point out verbatim when I leave), and thrive in a new environment.  I'm ready for change.  Ready for a place where being respectful is, well, respected.

An update on the interview process

While I was in Hawaii I got a phone call about the job.  They decided to open it up to external candidates, but didn't have any who met the qualifications.  He asked me a couple of follow up questions...like where I want to be in five years and if I could do the customer service piece day in and day out.  Then let me know I was still a top candidate and that I'd hear about a second interview the end of this week or beginning of next.
Yesterday, my supervisor called to let me know she had received a reference check from the person doing the second round of interviews.  She said she gave me a good a recommendation.  I believe it's between two of us to get the job.  Thanks for your continued prayers, I will keep you updated.  It'd be so nice to know before Thanksgiving, but that seems like wishful thinking. 

All that's going on

Do you ever have days where you are so anxious that you feel shaky from your toes to your fingers?  Today was one of those days.  I'm not even sure with where to start about why I am so anxious.  I have been praying for a change.  Praying for God to continue to take care of us financially and to take care of a situation with my back.  I am still waking up every morning and going to bed every evening in pain.  I am so thankful that my back pain is not as intense as it was, nor is it to a point that I need pain killers.  It's intense at times, but I can tolerate it.  When I visit with my doctor, he wants to put me on a permanent lifting restriction.  I'm not suppose to lift more than 20 pounds.  To do my job, I am suppose to be able to lift 50 pounds.  What might be shocking to some is that I actually was lifting that amount on a frequent basis until my last back episode.  My doctor doesn't want me to lose my job, so has been writing me temporary restriction notes.  I know that this can't go on.  I need to find a job that I can thrive in and give my back a chance to get stronger, etc.  I have been praying and praying and praying.  I prayed that God would somehow take care of my career, take care of my back.  Within a couple days an opportunity came up.  I was asked to apply for this position.  The more I heard, the more excited I was.  It's like I have fallen head over heels for this opportunity.  I feel like it's more than coincidental. 
Today I had my first interview.  I think it went well.  I'm just nervous from my head to my toes.  I feel so vulnerable.  Like I have bared it all and I've put it all out there.  I know that if this doesn't work out I'm going to be crushed.  I feel like there is more at stake than ever before.  I also am worried that I've counted my chickens before they hatched.  What if I read too much in to what they said when they asked me to apply?  I was incredibly flattered, I just hope they still think that I'm a great candidate.  A second interview will probably happen while I am in Hawaii.  Which means I could also get an offer or be told I wasn't selected while I was on vacation.  The opportunity is amazing and I'm excited to do whatever it takes to move my career forward, but I'm so nervous about what will happen if it doesn't work out. 
I need to let go and let God. Let go and let God. Let go and let God.  Trust that it's all in his hands.  Breathe in and breathe out.  All will be the way it is suppose to be.  For now, I'm just a ball of stress. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight and hopefully I can relax, breathe, etc.

Day 6 Update & Work Today

Today was another ultrasound and set of labs.  I don't know what my lab results were.  The doctor closes his office at 1pm on Fridays and I know they would've gotten labs just before closing.  I was in a meeting at work, so didn't get the office called.  I figured since I am going back tomorrow morning I could just ask then.  They work so hard and through the weekends that I didn't want to call just to ask for my lab results right before they left for the day.  My ultrasound seemed fine.  He said again there was lots of potential.  He kept me on a higher dose of Follistim.  He also thought that it was going to take some higher doses of medicine to get my follicles stimulated, but then they would go crazy and we would be backing off medicine as quickly as possible.  I have started having headaches.  I know I am drinking plenty of water, so I am guessing it's the medication I am on.  I also woke up in the middle of the night to tell the dear hubby it smelled like onions.  Really, our bedroom doesn't smell like onions, I think my sense of smell is just "off". I'm curious to see what's going on in the morning. 
At work today I had a meeting that was really good and then a series of great phone calls.  One phone call was from the person hiring for a promotion I applied for back in the beginning of December.  It was the nicest rejection phone call I have ever had in my life! She said she was reaching out to me personally because she so enjoyed interviewing me and wanted to help me shine in our division.  She said I was very talented and she thought I had the potential for a promotion in my future, this just wasn't the right timing.  Right before talking to her I received a phone call that I was selected to be on a task force at work.  This is pretty cool because there was a lot of competition.  I have co-workers who applied and were passed up a few years and a row.  This was my first time applying and out of our 12 states, I snagged one of two openings!  I don't get a pay raise for it, but it is an excellent opportunity to prepare myself for a promotion!  I shared this news with the lady who called to discuss the other promotion with me and she said she had really advocated for me to get this opportunity.  She felt it would get my name out there a little more and set me up nicely for a bigger and better career! I felt so good.  I also felt valued and was so honored to get such personal phone calls.  Finally, another phone call this afternoon was with a mom who is dedicating her three year old's birthday to fundraising for our event! I was super excited talking to her and was able to make one heck of a sell! I felt like I was having the best day at work ever.  I can't wait to see what the future holds, besides the plane trip I now get to make in April! I will be flying to either Phoenix or Seattle. Yay!

Day 3 Update

Today was day 3 of shots.  Our office was closed today due to "extreme cold".  It made me laugh.  It was in the negatives.  I have seen a wind chill of -65 in Montana. Here it is with a high of 1 and a low of -24 with wind chill and we close up shop.  Although I will say people don't plug their cars in here, so if you don't have a garage it's tricky to get the car started sometimes. I get the schools closing, there are so many children who don't live in homes with reliable transportation and it's not a super normal thing here to be THAT cold, so parents aren't prepared. Anyway, I thought some of you would get a kick out of our office closing due to "extreme cold". I did not get a day off though, I still went in to the office and worked.  I had an event this evening to prepare for and in case you are curious, it went fantastic!

Anyway, this morning I drove to the lab and then doctor's office. At the ultrasound the doctor could see a number of follicles growing, but it was hard to see.  He thought we might get the most information out of my lab results. He referred to my ovaries as possibly being, "sleeping giants".  Basically with my diagnosis of the poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) they are being very careful to monitor me for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).  OHSS could make me very sick.  Anyway, the good news is I am no where close to that.  The flip side of that coin is that I need to be stimming a little more than I am.  My E2 levels came in at 86.  Which I feel like is a low number.  They were going to reduce the amount of one of the drugs today, the Follistim, but I am keeping the same does and don't go back in for another round of labs or ultrasound until Thursday.  I feel like my prayers are a little mixed, I want to pray for my follicles to be stimulate, but not too much.  So, I decided my prayer is going to be for my follicles to grow appropriately. 

Since I had an event at work today, I had to do my shots in a public bathroom!  I washed up good and was really careful with everything.  The bathroom didn't have a main door to close, so people walking by could see what I was doing.  It was so strange.   Anyway, I did it, so I was happy about that.  For now I am just going to keep coasting along in this crazy process. Just wanted to post an update in this crazy IVF road trip.

Ugh...a week of Mondays?

Monday I slept in which was good, because I had nightmares on Sunday night. Two in a row actually. I blame it on the birth control pills. I was glad I had the rest of the day to just hang out with the hubby. We played Donkey Kong Country Returns, watched the Life series, and just hung out. It was really nice. Oh, and we got to take dinner to our friends who have a new set of twins.  Only one of the babies is home, so keep baby Aiden in your prayers. He had heart surgery last week and will be recovering in the hospital for a couple more weeks. His brother Braiden was so sweet! I can't wait to meet Aiden.

Tuesday I worked a full day and traveled.  One of my volunteers recently had a baby (a couple weeks from when the twins I just mentioned were born).  I got to hold the sweet pea, but I have to admit there was a little heart break...she has been diagnosed with Down syndrome. I know her family doesn't have the resources to take care of her and it just breaks my heart. She is so young, so sweet, and just deserves the best care in the world.  I so badly wanted to reach out and help, to do something, and haven't come up with anything appropriate. Just praying for now.  I also got to catch up a little with my dear friend H on the phone and my youngest sister, so there were some great parts to my day.

Wednesday I had a great meeting at work that made me think, "Wow, I'm fighting cancer!" I wish I could've bottled that feeling for today. I wish I could have saved every little ounce of that joy to remember on the harder days I have at work.  I also got to chat with my sisters and friend H (we got cut off the day before).

Today was just crappy. A co-worker was upset about something we really have no control over, which is normally the case.  Another co-worker failed to mention a meeting time change and things would have gone differently at the meeting had she told me.  Oh, and did I mention she decided to take her twin boys to the meeting? Which is not very professional.  I had to tell my supervisor about how the meeting went, which didn't make anybody happy.  I could probably have been just fine dealing with this, but then another co-worker ragged on me for how I file my documents on my computer. I don't create a file folder for a document unless I have two documents that can go into that file. Why open a folder to just see a single file when you could just see the file?  Anyway, it just hurt my feelings because I think I am good at organizing stuff like that.  Who even cares? It's just the way I chose to file my documents.  It brought back memories from another place I worked where I had a super micro-manager supervising me. I wanted to leave work early to see the family's ranch hand who is in the hospital, needless to say I didn't get to do that because I got inundated with a few requests from volunteers.  I left work just feeling crappy.  Then I got an update on the gentleman in the hospital and it wasn't good. He will probably only be with us for a day or two more.  If I had gone today he wouldn't have known I was there, but tomorrow they are taking him off some meds to say good-bye to everyone. I just want to go pay my respects for all he has done over the years for the ranch.  I feel like I owe it to the grandpa in-law.  While I was talking to my mother-in-law to get all this info, a committee member called me.  She called to tell me one of the volunteers I am really close to was diagnosed with cancer today.  It's already spread.  It's definitely not the first volunteer I have had diagnosed with cancer, but is by far one of the volunteers I am closest too! It was just a rough day. It's only been a three day work week so far and it feels like it was a three week in a row without a day off work week. I'm going in for a little while tomorrow, but I just need some time off. 

I need a Friday.