Okay, here is the deal...I have lost some dieting motivation. Sure, I know why I need to lose weight and I know I have made some serious progress. However, I also just want to be a mom! As most women may guess there is a couple weeks each month (I know, that accounts for half the month!) where I secretly pray I'm pregnant. To be pregnant would mean I wouldn't be working on weight loss. Normally, I don't sabotage my efforts during this time frame, but this month has been ridiculously difficult. I am sure this sounds ridiculous to most people. It's just that after trying for two and a half years, I feel like I need to grasp on to any hope available. I want to lose weight, but at this point, I want to be pregnant more. I have paid for my weight loss program, so it isn't like I can just take a break. The only way I can take a break and keep my invested money is to go on medical leave. Well right now, I have no reason to take medical leave! I also know that weight loss will make for a better pregnancy. I have lost 20% of my body weight. I see women walking around all over the place who are heavier and happily pregnant. While my sister was visiting, I didn't stick to my plan. I thought that would cure my need to just take a break, but it hasn't. I realized that I was struggling so much to get back on plan because I so badly hope I'm pregnant. Going back on plan means admitting to myself it might be another month that it just didn't happen.
It's been such a crazy journey. Everyone says, "Relax and it will happen." In some ways, I feel like they don't really understand. If I relaxed, it would never happen. My body doesn't cooperate the way most women's bodies do. One thing that has helped is knowing that God has a master plan. I just keep thinking that for some reason I wasn't suppose to be pregnant yet. Like maybe when I do have kids, it will be later so that my children meet certain other people or experience different things in life.
At least I haven't been asked when I will have kids recently. I swear, I will never ask anyone that question again. When you are trying and it isn't happening, that is one of the most difficult questions to answer. At first it was easy, like when we were very first married. I just joked that we were practicing. A year and a half later, I've got it down...I don't need practice, haha. What I do need to practice is being able to just stick to my eating plan until I take a magical test that has a positive line. Sigh...thanks for letting me vent. In some way I am hoping that telling a few people I am struggling with weight loss will make me feel more accountable.
It is tough. Just know that we are praying for you. Funny that writing it doesn't seem like much of a consolation prize. Weight loss is a life style change, and I'm with you that some days I just don't want to change my life that way. I know it's easier to just stick with the program and watching the numbers on the scale get smaller helps. It's a lot harder to re-lose that weight, or watch it plateau. God will let you and Jason become parents when HE knows it's right.
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