Life marches on...

The past month has been crazy.  I took a couple days off the beginning of March to process life.  A co-worker left our office the following week and my workload grew substantially. We got to spend an evening with some new friends and another evening with the brother and sister-in-law and sweet niece. I got to staff a Crop For A Cure and make a few cards the middle of the month, I think this is exactly what I needed, a day of doing something I loved. I was constantly surprised by the things that made us happy for an instant, most of them were things I didn't even know I needed...like people ordering meals, flowers filled with butterflies, nights with other people, etc.
Right after my Crop For A Cure event I traveled to Spokane, WA to complete my practicum for my Master's degree.  I am really not the type of person who is ever homesick.  This trip was one of the hardest I have ever gone on.  I didn't want to leave the dear husband, not for one day, let alone 4-5 days. Fortunately, the practicum kept me so busy that I didn't have a moment to text or even think about anything.  I did pretty good until I heard a speech on adoption and the professor leading the class was giving feedback to the speaker.  He suggested she makes some points on who might be interested in adoption and suggested those having difficulty with fertility.  I had teared up before, but this forced me to stand up, leave the room, bawl my eyes out, pull my self back together, and come back a few minutes later.  I was able to quickly compose myself, but it was a reminder that I still grieve. I was so happy to fly home to my dear husband.  An added bonus was my friend T was in town! She came to do some wedding shopping and I got to throw her a bridal shower. The dear hubby woke up sick that Saturday morning.  He was so miserable!  I felt so bad for him.
The bridal shower was fantastic! I hosted it at a little tea house nearby. We got to dress up, drink tea, enjoy scone and finger sandwiches.  We also got to catch up with friends we hadn't seen in years! We had such an enjoyable time!  I even got to go hot tubbing while she was in town.
Last week I worked four nights in a row and Saturday.  In the middle of my practicum my computer died, so the hubby and I spent one evening searching for a laptop. When we found the perfect one it wasn't available.  We also went to purchase a home gym, when we got there the price had changed. With absolutely no shopping luck, we went home.  On Saturday we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday at Olive Garden. Later, I competed in a chili cookoff for work.  I didn't win, but got tons of compliments and people asking if they could pay me to make the chili for them! That's pretty cool.  Saturday evening we had company over and played games. On Sunday I got to meet my friend S for lunch at an Indian food place.  The food was better than the other Indian place near by, but not nearly as good as what I had with my sister in Fargo, ND! The best part was getting to hang out with S! After lunch I went to my matron-of-honor dress fitting at David's Bridal where they temporarily lost my shoes.  Fortunately, they found my shoes and I didn't  need a single alteration on my dress.  Sunday afternoon I worked on my thesis.  I woke up on Monday, called in to work to say I wouldn't be there on account of I needed to use my flex time, and spent 12 hours working on my thesis.  My brain was so fried by the time I went to bed last night! The good news is I am back on track with my thesis! I had gotten behind with all the chaos this month, but am back on schedule.  My advisor encouraged me to take a break and finish in the fall, but some how I felt like that was defeat.  I refused to let the goings on in life defeat me.  I didn't have any idea how strong I could be until this month and I was darned if I was going to get this far to surrender on graduating in July!  So, I have submitted my work.  Hopefully, they accept my work with minimal changes.  I am helping staff an event this week and fly to Seattle on Friday.  I come back Sunday afternoon.  I am not as apprehensive about this trip.  I love traveling to Seattle and am excited to work there for a few days.  Honestly, I am also excited for April. April has to get better than March.  I come back to staffing an event for a few hundred people, but am looking forward to a hopefully more relaxing month. 

Miscarriage

Shortly after finding out we were expecting a series of blood tests indicated I was having a miscarriage.  I was amazed at how quickly the few symptoms of pregnancy I had went away.  We have grieved and continue to grieve.  We have no idea what life has in store for us next.  I do know that God must have some amazing plan for us, it's hard to possibly imagine what that plan could be, but I'm confident that it's His plan.  We have been touched by the amount of love and support our family and friends have shown us.  Thanks for your love, support, and care.

Pregnant

This morning I went in for my first of three blood tests.  I was so nervous all the way to the doctor's office and all the way home.  The phlebometamist said that my blood needed time to clot and she would have results around 9:45.  This was at 9.  When I went in for my transfer the doctor said I would have results in less than two hours.  When two hours came and went, I called the office.  No one answered, so I left a message for the on call staff.  Thirty minutes later, no one had called back.  The message when I originally called said to expect a return call in under 15 minutes. I decided to call back in, because I may not have left my original message on the correct answering system.  About 15 minutes later, we got a phone call from the nurse. I put her on speaker phone for the hubby to hear.  She asked me how I was doing, I thought she was being pretty chipper if she was going to deliver any bad news. Anyway, she said, "I just got off the phone with the lab and your HCG level was a 9.6"  There was a pause as I processed the fact anything over a 5 meant pregnancy and I said, "I'm pregnant?!"  She said, "Yes, you are pregnant, congratulations!"  She did say my levels were on the low end, so she was going to call the doctor and consult with him.  A few minutes later my doctor called back and increased my progesterone from one shot a day to two shots a day.  I go back on Tuesday for a second blood draw.  We are praying that the HCG number has at least doubled or more.  I also go back on Thursday morning.

Here are some fun facts...

A few weeks ago my mom had a prediction that she would find out I was pregnant the same day she found out my sister was accepted into medical school. Guess what, my sister found out late last night and we announced this afternoon!

The due date will probably be November 5, 2011.

I am guessing we are pregnant with one wonderful baby, but we find out for sure in a couple weeks!

I think this is a HUGE testament to the power of prayer.  Thanks again for all of your love, support, and prayers. Please keep praying for my numbers to rise and a healthy pregnancy.

The hubby and I are ecstatic.  I think this is the second happiest day of my life (the first was marrying my dear husband)!

In the 2 Week Wait Update

So, I am feeling a little more optimistic.  There are a few reasons, so I will go through them chronologically backward.

Through this whole journey I have had this really terrible thought process that maybe my inability to become pregnant was somehow God's way of punishing me for my actions when I was younger.  Today at church the sermon was about love.  The part that jumped out at me was when the pastor talked about our God not being a God of retribution.  If our God was a God of retribution, we would all be, well in pretty bad shape if here at all!  Instead we have a God of love.  A God who has made us in His image and forgives us, because he is a loving God.  I am so thankful we went to church this morning, because this was the message I needed to hear.  Not to mention, our pastors are so kind.  As soon as we walked in both pastors came right up!  One of them pointed at us (like we were just the people he wanted to see) and walked over, sat down, and asked how IVF was going. Despite the fact he had tons of people to talk to, he sat and checked in with us right until church started.  He really seems to understand what infertility and trying to conceive is like.  It makes me wonder if he has had first hand experience, because he is so compassionate.  Just in case you are wondering, we had two pastors today, the one who gave the sermon was our intern pastor from Wisconsin and the one who sat with us for a while is our normal pastor.  Anyway, it was so nice to hear messages of love. 

On that note, I cannot even begin to tell all of you how much your love and support have helped the past few days especially.  I appreciate your prayers, love, friendship, and sisterhood more than I can even imagine.  Whether it's remembering us with flowers, a note on your Facebook comments, a comment on our blog, a call, or text, it has been exponentially helpful.  I am so blessed to have you in my lives.

I have been having some abdominal cramps which I think is a good sign.  I have had a series of other comical symptoms, but I chalk them all up to my daily shots of progesterone and estrogen patches.  Just for fun-sake here is what I'm experiencing: I am SO hungry,  I am wanting to eat some different foods than normal like fried chicken, I am nearly to a point where I want to sleep with a bra on, I have gagged twice- once over the smell of a dry erase marker being used on a white board and later when my piece of pizza had a tiny piece of Italian sausage that had a faint flavor of anise. They truly are a result of the drugs I am on.  They want your body to think and act like it's pregnant hoping the embryos have implanted.  The result is symptoms that are very difficult to sort out from what's pregnancy and what's drugs.  It's all sort of comical though.

Another piece of information that I found helpful was that embryos don't typically do well after day 6 outside of the uterus.  They much prefer to be toasting like buns in an oven in a natural environment.  I felt much better learning and understanding this.  The doctor said the fact the others didn't make it to freeze had no impact on the success of the ones that were transferred.

I am more at peace, more hopeful, and am thinking positive thoughts at this point. The wait is really seeming crazy long at this point, fortunately I have a busy next couple of weeks at work to keep me rather distracted!

Thanks again for all of your love and support.

Remaining Embryo Update

Today was our day to call and see how many of our remaining embryos were frozen.  We had 7 contending and were excited because that could mean if this cycle doesn't work, I would easily be able to go through a much more simple process to try again or if it did work and we wanted more kids in the future, go through a frozen embryo transfer.  In my mind I had thought, investment wise, if this cycle didn't work, we would keep going until the frozen embryos had been used and that would be it.  That's where I would end this crazy journey. 
Well, the doctor let me know today that none of the embryos made it to be frozen.  I am crushed.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more that the two embryos inside of me make themselves comfortable and are carried to a full term pregnancy.  I feel like I have pleaded with God.  I'm not even sure if I can explain to most people how deeply rooted this desire to have children is and how if it doesn't happen, it's probably going to be some of the biggest grief I have ever dealt with. 
This whole process has been such a roller coaster anyway.  From monthly negative pregnancy tests to bad test results to my tubes being blocked and then finally figuring out the finances involved, I have shed so many tears.  Yet, I feel like in the end God has always taken care of us.  Something has always worked out.  So, I'm just trusting right now that this is all in God's hands.  There is nothing more we can do, but wait and pray.  I was worried about what might possibly happen with the other embryos if they had to be frozen for a long amount of time and now I don't have that worry.  I just have one big impending thought of whether I'm pregnant or not.  I'm not even sure if I can vocalize all of this. I was barely able to tell the dear husband and didn't make much of any eye contact when we ate lunch together.  I just knew if I did, I'd lost it and spend the lunch hour crying.  So forgive me for not telling anyone this in person or even over the phone with my voice, I'm just not able to right now.
Please, please keep praying for the two that are in my uterus to implant and be a successful pregnancy.

Transfer Day Update

Today was the transfer! Yay! We drove over toward the doctor's office early so we could stop for breakfast to celebrate the husband's birthday.  After breakfast we got to our appointment about an hour early, but that was just fine, they were ready for us.  I dressed in my cap and gown and the hubby got to wear a cute blue pantsuit.  We talked to the nurse, talked to the doctor, signed our release to have two embryos transferred, and talked to the embryologist.  The embryologist gave us a picture of our embryos to be transferred! Out of the embryos we had yesterday we used the one that was at 8 cells yesterday and one of the ones that had been at 4 cells had almost caught up! Next we were wheeled back to the room they did my retrieval and would do the transfer.  There are two sets of doors and they are never open at the same time to try and keep as much of a sterile environment as possible.  Once we were all in the hallway we shut one door and opened the next.  We put on our little face masks anytime the embryos were out or the lab glass window was open.  At this point the doctor did an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full enough, it wasn't, so we waited.  He did another ultrasound and my bladder still wasn't full enough, so we waited some more.  Finally, I was ready to go.  The transfer itself is super easy.  They use a catheter filled with about 2cc of liquid and push the embryos in.  What was not fun was the catheter to drain my bladder. Ick. That pain quickly passed and I just layed there for an hour resting before being "discharged".  I've been laying down all day since and am just sending prayers and positive thoughts for these little embryos to implant!

Update - Night Before Transfer

This morning I had an ultrasound and labs.  My labs today included a urinalysis. I hate peeing in public bathrooms, especially when I know I need to give a urine sample.  I had to leave the lab and come back! At my ultrasound the doctor said I should definitely be able to pee because my bladder was full, I think it was just nerves. Anyway, there was some fluid in my abdomen and my ovaries were a little larger, but all in all I am okay.  I was glad that I didn't have OHSS or had hyper stimmed. I think there is still a small risk, but for now we are doing good. I am still keeping up on my fluids and drinking EmergenC.  I talked to the doctor and we are confident in our decision to put two oocytes in tomorrow.  Hopefully one or both of them implant! The embryologist said that this morning there was one 8 cell blastocyst, two 6 cell, and six two to four cell.  The ones that haven't grown as much have the rest of the week to grow, so that's okay.

Tomorrow is the hubby's birthday too! Should be an exciting day.  I am giddy thinking about tomorrow being such a big day!