Burnt out...

I am at a point of near desperation. I am so burnt out at work and not even sure what I need to do to pull up my boot straps and just carry on. I miss seeing my husband. I miss structure of going to work and going home on some sort of schedule. I miss the days when hearing about terminal illness only happened occasionally. Naturally, all of this had been on my mind, but today I got another nasty gram from someone. I haven't cried yet. I'm not even sure how to respond or what to write back. I just want to curl in a ball, nice and snug under my covers and wake up to a new job.

I have applied for a few jobs. In fact I turned in some materials this week. I'm at a point where if I could just quit, I would. Most days I like everyone I work with. That is not the problem. I just feel like I pour my heart into this job and give my best every day, only for people to tell me I'm not doing enough in the fight, not working hard enough (despite my 50-80 hour weeks), and should be doing more. It's just an abuse I don't know how long I can take. My supervisor and others won't confront the people who make comments such as this, because we always have to represent our organization in the best light possible...even if that means staff just taking it.

I realize I am fortunate to have a job. I'm just not sure if I am strong enough to stay here. I have always really enjoyed challenges. I like figuring out a solution, making things work, seeing the silver lining, but I see that part of me slowly deteriorating. I think that is the part that makes me sad. I have always been more of an optimist, a happy, excited person. I feel like that part of me is slipping away and I need to make a change before it's gone. I didn't get on to blog to have a pity party. I just need some room to vent and a place to write down my thoughts so I don't explode into tears. Thanks for listening. Prayers for a new job are appreciated. I know there are hundreds of people who are unemployed and need to catch a break, I wish everyone who needed a job had one.

P.S. I was talking to a co-worker about an executive who started in my job and was revelling about how long she had been in the organization and how she had climbed the corporate latter. I was wondering how she did it, how she made it....that's when my co-worker pointed out she had a nervous breakdown. I can see that.